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Post by upduck on Mar 20, 2016 5:49:15 GMT
Sunday 20th March
I'm not a great fan of innuendos,
however I do like to slip one in now and again.
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Post by upduck on Mar 21, 2016 5:29:47 GMT
Monday 21st March
An Army Sniper goes to a Rifle shop to buy new scope for his Gun.
Manager takes out one & says, ”This scope is so good, U can see my house 1 km up on that hill”
Sniper looks through the scope & laughs, ”I see a naked man & a naked woman in your house”.
Manager looks in the scope & gives 2 bullets to sniper : ”I’ll give u this scope for free, If u shoot my wife’s head & the guy’s dick off”.
Sniper looks again in the scope, ”Well! Seems like I can do that with one bullet.”
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Post by upduck on Mar 22, 2016 5:30:12 GMT
Tuesday 22nd March
i just saw my old neighbour dragging a crucifix on a dog lead over the park.
I said "What kind of dogs that Alf"?
He shouted back "Its a cross"
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Post by upduck on Mar 23, 2016 5:37:42 GMT
Wednesday 23rd March
I went to the zoo and all i saw was a loaf in a cage.
A big sign read: "Bread in captivity."
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Post by upduck on Mar 24, 2016 5:34:17 GMT
Thursday 24th March
When my wife left, I was sad and lonely.
So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go nuts when she gets back from work.
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Post by upduck on Mar 25, 2016 5:47:05 GMT
Friday 25th March
An Indian has moved in next door. He's a mouthy git, travelled the world, swam with sharks and wrestled bears.
I asked him his name he replied , "Bindair Dundat."
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Post by upduck on Mar 26, 2016 8:20:17 GMT
Saturday 26th MarchA man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops"
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Post by upduck on Mar 27, 2016 10:31:45 GMT
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Post by upduck on Mar 28, 2016 8:22:24 GMT
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Post by upduck on Mar 29, 2016 4:38:03 GMT
Tuesday 29th March
I had my first UFO experience yesterday.
I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus "Morning Fat Arse."
Next thing, there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!
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Post by upduck on Mar 30, 2016 4:38:55 GMT
Wednesday 30th March
My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa looking miserable.
"Cheer up," I said.
"Oh I'm OK," she sighed, "just a bit sad."
"You're fab," I said.
"Thanks," she said.
"You're mine," I said.
"I know silly!" she chuckled.
"I love you," I said.
"Aww!" she gushed, "that's so lovely!"
"Marry me," I said.
She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal: "Yes!" she bellowed. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
I looked up at her and said, "Yes what?"
"Yes, I will marry you!" she beamed.
"Sod off!" I said. "Here, have a Love Heart."
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Post by upduck on Mar 31, 2016 4:41:29 GMT
Thursday 31st March
My wife just said to me,"Why is there a shirt and tie on the telly?"
I said, "Because it's a smart TV."
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Post by upduck on Apr 1, 2016 4:36:33 GMT
Friday 1st April
I realised my parents favoured my twin brother when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
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Post by upduck on Apr 2, 2016 4:57:51 GMT
Saturday 2nd April
I just read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?
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Post by upduck on Apr 3, 2016 5:19:01 GMT
Sunday 3rd April
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
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