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Post by upduck on Mar 5, 2016 5:51:21 GMT
Saturday 5th March
Well here goes....Day 1....Joke 1....Enjoy.....
I was having trouble with my home computer, so i called my 3 year old son to help me.
He clicked a couple of buttons and managed to fix it.
As he was walking back to his room, i asked him what the problem was.
He said it was an 'ID ten T' issue.
Not wanting to sound stupid but curious in case i had the same problem again, i asked him what an 'IDten T' issue was.
"Write it down," he said. So i Did.
ID10T........He never was my favourite child anyway.
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Post by upduck on Mar 6, 2016 6:08:55 GMT
Sunday 6th March
I never knew why i got sacked at the calendar factory.......all i did was take a day off.
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Post by upduck on Mar 7, 2016 5:34:05 GMT
Monday 7th March
When i woke up this morning and came down stairs there was a letter on the floor saying in big letters DO NOT BEND,
I thought how the heck do i pick it up.
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Post by upduck on Mar 8, 2016 8:27:56 GMT
Tuesday 8th MarchA teacher at a Western Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
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Post by upduck on Mar 9, 2016 7:44:23 GMT
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Post by upduck on Mar 10, 2016 8:30:49 GMT
Thursday 10th MarchIt was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
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Post by upduck on Mar 11, 2016 5:30:14 GMT
Friday 11th March
I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to get a shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth.
I think they might be trying to groom me.
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Post by upduck on Mar 12, 2016 6:18:30 GMT
Saturday 12th March
I've been married for nearly 30 years and can still make the missus scream out my name in bed..........
I just fart and pull the covers up over her head.
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Post by upduck on Mar 13, 2016 5:32:03 GMT
Sunday 13th March
Coffee makes people really aggressive.
I had eleven pints at the pub last night, and my wife only had two coffees at home.
You should have seen how pissed off she was.
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Post by upduck on Mar 14, 2016 5:29:53 GMT
Monday 14th March
My wife said sex is better on holiday........not the best postcard i've ever received.
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Post by upduck on Mar 15, 2016 5:36:54 GMT
Tuesday 15th March
I told my mate that I'm having problems in the bedroom. Being a doctor, he prescribed me Viagra.
How the hell's that going to help me assemble my new IKEA wardrobe?
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Post by upduck on Mar 16, 2016 5:32:54 GMT
Wednesday 16th March
Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"
I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple, my wife has told me that when she wants my f-cking advice, she'll ask me for it."
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Post by upduck on Mar 17, 2016 8:38:30 GMT
Thursday 17th MarchMy mother-in-law bought a talking parrot. but she took it back a week later. "This parrot hasn't said anything yet!" she complained. "I haven't had a f**kin' chance yet!" replied the parrot
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Post by upduck on Mar 18, 2016 8:06:31 GMT
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Post by upduck on Mar 19, 2016 7:01:33 GMT
Saturday 19th MarhAt the National Art Gallery in Cardiff, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink one. The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately White, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink Willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary Society." After the curator left, a Welshman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the boyo who painted it!" he replied. "In fact, there are no Black men depicted at all. They're just three Welsh miners. Him in the middle went home for lunch."
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