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Post by upduck on Apr 4, 2016 6:44:51 GMT
Monday 4th AprilA few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" 
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Post by upduck on Apr 5, 2016 5:20:56 GMT
Tuesday 5th AprilAn Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
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Post by upduck on Apr 6, 2016 6:55:25 GMT
Wednesday 6th AprilThis woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it." She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years. But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor. "I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains. The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts." "Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."
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Post by upduck on Apr 7, 2016 9:25:18 GMT
Thursday 7th Aprili met a gorgeous Chinese bird at the night club. At 2 am i took her home and she said, "ok sexy, what you would you like?" I said, "Can we have a 69?" She said "Sod off, i'm not cooking at this time in the morning."
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Post by upduck on Apr 8, 2016 6:50:49 GMT
Friday 8th AprilThere is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life. REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY
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Post by upduck on Apr 9, 2016 7:29:44 GMT
Saturday 9th AprilMrs. Harrison took her three-year-old daughter, Jenny, to church for the first time. After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny's voice was suddenly heard, loudly singing: "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you..."
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Post by upduck on Apr 10, 2016 5:11:53 GMT
Sunday 10th April
After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye.
If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.
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Post by upduck on Apr 11, 2016 4:37:04 GMT
Monday 11th April
The police wanted to interview a man in high-heels and frilly pink knickers, but the sergeant told them they had to wear their uniforms as usual.
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Post by upduck on Apr 12, 2016 4:37:11 GMT
Tuesday 12th April
A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.
'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks.
'Five years ago.'
So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?'
He said, 'Five years ago.'
So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?'
He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?"'
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Post by upduck on Apr 13, 2016 6:54:13 GMT
Wednesday 13th AprilThree men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins" "That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets" The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves." 
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Post by upduck on Apr 14, 2016 7:42:35 GMT
Thursday 14th AprilThe children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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Post by upduck on Apr 15, 2016 6:52:00 GMT
Friday 15th AprilTeacher; "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'pistol' in it?" Sophie; "My daddy is a soldier, he has a suit of blue, he has a sword, a bayonet and he has a pistol too." Teacher; "Very good Sophie." Johnny; "Miss, my father isn't a soldier, he doesn't have a suit of blue, he draws his dole at half past nine, then he's on the piss'till two." 
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Post by upduck on Apr 16, 2016 5:07:50 GMT
Saturday 16th April
I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years after my wife left me, until I found out that some b**tard had stuffed my pillow with onions.
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Post by upduck on Apr 17, 2016 4:54:26 GMT
Sunday 17th April
Bloke was born without eyelids, so the doctors circumcised him and used the skin.
The operation was a success, he's just a bit cock-eyed.
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Post by upduck on Apr 18, 2016 4:38:48 GMT
Monday 18th April
"I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," the wife screamed at her husband, " I'm really disappointed."
"You can hardly blame me," he answered. "It's not like I was getting any from you."
"Well that's your fault," she replied. "You never told me you were willing to pay for it!!"
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