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Post by upduck on May 5, 2016 4:37:32 GMT
Thursday 5th May
It's been just over two weeks since my wife left me because of my obsession with Sinead O'Connor.
In fact, its been seven hours and fifteen days.
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Post by upduck on May 6, 2016 4:44:46 GMT
Friday 6th May
I was walking past the fridge last night, when i thought i heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song.
But when i opened the door, it was only the chives talking.
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Post by upduck on May 7, 2016 4:43:52 GMT
Saturday 7th May
My mate and his wife have had so much money from Government benefits they decided to call their son Grant.
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Post by upduck on May 8, 2016 5:16:32 GMT
Sunday 8th May
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"
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Post by upduck on May 9, 2016 4:37:45 GMT
Monday 9th May
Last night i got so drunk, so drunk that when i got to the bottom of the stairs i took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. The lot!
I crept up very quietly.
It was only when i got to the top of the stairs i realised i was on the bus.
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Post by upduck on May 10, 2016 6:03:15 GMT
Tuesday 10th MayTHE LUCK OF THE IRISH AN APOLOGY FROM BELFAST GENERAL HOSPITAL .............. Dear Mr. Murphy, We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick. We deeply regret the amputation.
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Post by upduck on May 11, 2016 6:13:47 GMT
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Post by upduck on May 12, 2016 5:10:45 GMT
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Post by upduck on May 13, 2016 4:40:17 GMT
Friday 13th May
I asked 100 people 'What shampoo do you prefer?'
The number one answer was 'How the f**k did you get in here?'
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Post by upduck on May 14, 2016 4:50:15 GMT
Saturday 14th May
I went to the Doctors again today and said "Doctor. My hands keep shaking all the time."
He said "Do you drink a lot of alcohol?"
I said "No, i spill most of it."
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Post by upduck on May 15, 2016 5:07:12 GMT
Sunday 15th May
Why Teachers Drink
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16/17 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons?
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age?
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A.. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
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Post by upduck on May 16, 2016 4:32:57 GMT
Monday 16th May
A man went to his doctor and said he needed lots of Viagra.
"My girlfriend is coming over on Friday, My ex-wife on Saturday. And ex-girlfriend on Sunday."
"That's an awful lot of Viagra," said the doc. "I'll have to check you on Monday."
Monday morning the man came in with his arm in a sling.
"What happened!" said the doc.
"No one showed up!" the man said.
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Post by upduck on May 17, 2016 4:39:11 GMT
Tuesday 17th May
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Post by upduck on May 18, 2016 4:40:24 GMT
Wednesday 18th May
MAN: “Hello!”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.” The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turned and asked, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
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Post by upduck on May 19, 2016 6:40:03 GMT
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