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Post by upduck on Apr 19, 2016 4:37:09 GMT
Tuesday 19th April
What did the sanitary pad sing to the fart??
You are the wind beneath my wings.
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Post by upduck on Apr 20, 2016 4:42:25 GMT
Wednesday 20th April
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'that's alright. Your past is your past, I must admit i find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'well my name was Dave, and I played for Widnes"
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Post by upduck on Apr 21, 2016 4:38:39 GMT
Thursday 21st April
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan Desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the shimmering oasis only to find a Scotsman sitting at a table under a large umbrella selling red and green tartan ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Scotsman replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only 5 pounds."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the Scotsman , "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a beautiful Oasis palms resort built on a spring with a huge swimming pool overflowing onto the desert sands belonging to my brother. It has all the ice cold water you need.. "
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped...
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"
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Post by upduck on Apr 22, 2016 6:13:27 GMT
Friday 22nd AprilThe barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company. Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." Agent: "Whoa there just a minute, Susan, it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
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Post by upduck on Apr 23, 2016 5:59:01 GMT
Saturday 23rd April
Happy St Georges Day Folks........ Fred and Bert were in the pub talking about thier sex lives. Fred boasts, " Meand the missus shag like rabbits every night." "You lucky git," replies Bert, "i only get it once a month. I call it 'Bruce Lee Night.'" "Why the f**k do you call it?" asks Fred. "Because it's the night i enter the dragon."
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Post by upduck on Apr 24, 2016 5:38:47 GMT
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Post by upduck on Apr 25, 2016 4:35:57 GMT
Monday 24th April
I met a woman in a pub a while ago. we got on great and I asked her outright "Do you want to come back to my place, got a bottle of wine, some cool music and we can have sex, what do you say?"
She replied "I wish I could, but I can't tonight, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
I thought about it, and said "I have an estate car, we can put your cycle in the back, no probs!"
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Post by upduck on Apr 26, 2016 4:38:21 GMT
Tuesday 26th April
I said to my wife, "When I die, I'd like to die having sex."
She said, "At least we know it'll be quick."
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Post by upduck on Apr 27, 2016 4:40:04 GMT
Wednesday 27th April
What do Bungee Jumping and hookers have in common??
They both cost a hundred bucks, and if the rubber breaks you're screwed.
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Post by upduck on Apr 28, 2016 4:34:20 GMT
Thursday 28th April
My wife said, "You've never hold the door open for me."
I said, "What about the time you threatened to leave."
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Post by upduck on Apr 29, 2016 4:40:51 GMT
Friday 29th April
An 11 year old girl realized she started to grow hair in between her legs she had gotten worried and asked her mommy about the hair.
Her mommy calmly said," that part where the hair has grown is called a monkey. be proud that your monkey had grown hair."
The next morning at breakfast she told her sister, " my monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said, "that's nothing. mine is already eating bananas."
Her mom fainted!
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Post by upduck on Apr 30, 2016 5:19:05 GMT
Saturday 30th April
My mate's trying to claim disabled benefits and went to his GP and said, "I think i'm half deaf."
The Doctor said "Don't be stupid. Go to the end of the room and tell me what you hear."
My mate went to the end of the room and the Doctor shouts "88" and my mate replies "44".
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Post by upduck on May 1, 2016 7:31:12 GMT
Sunday 1st MayI bought the new U2 Sat-Nav. It's rubbish. The streets have no name and i still haven't found what i'm looking for.
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Post by upduck on May 2, 2016 6:05:33 GMT
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Post by upduck on May 4, 2016 4:36:41 GMT
Wednesday 4th May
I was reading the bible yesterday. Later on, a woman just dropped a £20 note next to me.
I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'.
So I turned it into wine
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